What is Fear of Abandonment? How to overcome feeling insecure?

Many people suffer from a deep-seated dread of abandonment. It makes them feel vulnerable and alone in their relationships. This dread can have a substantial impact on a person’s mental health and well-being. Moreover, It can come from a range of causes, such as childhood events. It’s a fear that can be challenging to conquer, but it must be dealt with for a sound mental health.


“Perhaps the greatest fear we have is the fear of being abandoned. It is the fear that we will be left alone, without love or support, that we will be cast out of the only world we know.”

Rachel Naomi Remen

Abandonment: What does it mean?

Generally speaking, the term “abandonment” refers to the sensation of being abandoned or rejected. This abandonment can be either by a particular person or by society as a whole. A range of situations can lead to abandonment in many different ways.

From a developmental standpoint, the term “abandonment” can also refer to a child feeling like their primary care-giver has abandoned them. It can cause insecurities, low self-esteem, and a fear of rejection in the future.

Clinginess in relationships, a reluctance to commit, or a propensity to withdraw from social interactions are just a few examples of how abandonment difficulties can present themselves.

What is meant by fear of Abandonment?

The fear of abandonment is a psychological condition in which a person is concerned about being rejected or abandoned by someone they care about. This anxiety can be triggered by a number of circumstances. For example, a traumatic upbringing, a history of abandonment, or a string of failed relationships.

Individuals who are afraid of abandonment frequently believe that they are undeserving of love. Additionally, they believe that others would desert them. They may struggle to build and maintain healthy relationships. Furthermore, they may engage in behaviors like as clinginess or avoidance to escape rejection.

The dread of abandonment can have serious consequences for a person’s well-being. It can cause anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems. Additionally, it makes it difficult to develop good relationships and maintain emotional stability.

Signs and symptoms of fear of abandonment

Although the symptoms and indicators of fear of abandonment might differ from person to person, some typical warning signs include:

1. Unable to form close connections:

Close connections are hard to establish for those who fear abandonment since they are afraid of being rejected or left alone.

2. Extreme clinginess:

Those who are afraid of being abandoned may become overly reliant on their spouses or friends. Furthermore, they may continually seek proof that the relationship is secure.

3. Avoidant behavior:

Those who fear abandonment sometimes steer clear of developing deep relationships in order to shield themselves from possible rejection.

4. Jealousy and possessiveness:

Those who are afraid of abandonment may become extremely possessive or envious of others who are close to their partner or acquaintance.

5. Emotional instability:

Fear of desertion can cause extreme mood swings. Moreover, people may become very agitated or frightened when they believe a relationship is in jeopardy.

6. Low self-esteem:

Individuals who are afraid of abandonment may have low self-esteem and a negative self-image. In addition, they may believe they are unworthy of love and care.

7. Over-protective/Over-regulatory:

Fear of abandonment might cause people to try to regulate their partner’s or friend’s conduct in order to keep the relationship secure.

Does fear of abandonment manifest in the same way in adults as well as children?

Adults may experience abandonment fear differently from children. However, there may be some similarities in how it affects people. These are some important variations between how adults and children experience abandonment fear:

In Children:

  • Fear of abandonment in children can emerge as clinginess, separation anxiety, or a fear of being left alone. Children may also struggle to separate from their parents or caretakers, even when it is developmentally suitable to do so.
  • Children who are afraid of being abandoned may engage in activities like bedwetting, have nightmares, or experience physical discomfort like headaches or stomach problems.

In Adults:

  • Adults who are afraid of being abandoned may exhibit clinginess or possessiveness in relationships. They show a lack of confidence in others, a dread of being by themselves, or a propensity to steer clear of intimate relationships entirely. When they sense a threat to their relationship, they may suffer severe anxiety or panic. Adults may become afraid of abandonment as a result of catastrophic breakups or desertion by a parent or lover in the past.
  • Adults who fear abandonment may experience symptoms including despair, anxiety, or trouble controlling their emotions.

Risk factors and causes of Fear of abandonment

A number of risk factors can lead to the development of abandonment anxiety. The following are some instances of risk factors:

1. Trauma or abuse:

Enduring trauma or abuse as a kid or adult might raise the chance of developing abandonment anxiety. For example, a kid who is neglected or abandoned by their primary care-giver, may develop a fear of abandonment as a result.

Read Blog: Trauma: How to Manage health when grappling with trauma?

2. Loss or separation:

A substantial loss or separation, might raise the chance of developing abandonment anxiety. For example, person who has had several failed relationships may acquire a fear of abandonment as a result.

3. Low self-esteem or feelings of insecurity:

Those who suffer with these issues may be more prone to developing a fear of abandonment. For example, someone who has a poor sense of themselves and feels undeserving of love could become afraid of being abandoned.

Read Blog: 3 Ways to Improve Your Self-Esteem and Attract Success

4. Personality disorder:

A increased chance of developing a fear of abandonment is linked to specific personality disorders. For example, a borderline personality disorder sufferer may experience a severe fear of abandonment, which is a defining feature of the disorder.

Read Blog: All About Borderline Personality Disorder 

5. Genetics:

It is not known whether or not fear of abandonment is directly inherited. However, several genetic risk factors may raise the likelihood of acquiring the disorder. For example, a hereditary propensity for anxiety or depression may raise the chance of developing a fear of abandonment, according to some studies.

6. Attachment type:

Having an insecure attachment style can make it more likely that you’ll become afraid of being abandoned. For example, a person with an anxious attachment style, can become too dependent on their partner or fear being left alone, which could result in feelings of abandonment.

Read Blog: Navigating Attachment History and Style with CFT: A Guide to Growth

7. Relationship experiences:

Adoption anxiety can develop as a result of bad relationship experiences, such as a history of abusive or unhealthy partnerships. For example, someone who has been abandoned repeatedly in relationships could become afraid of being abandoned as a result.

8. Psychological conditions:

Borderline personality disorder is one such ailment that has been linked to the fear of abandonment. For example, a defining feature of borderline personality disorder is the fear of abandonment. It has been linked to emotional dysregulation and interpersonal issues.

The impact of fear of abandonment

Fear of abandonment can have a huge impact on a person’s life, hurting relationships, self-esteem, and mental health. Here are some instances of how abandonment dread can show in several aspects of life:


Fear of abandonment can make it difficult to build good relationships since it can cause feelings of insecurity, jealously, or possessiveness. They may also cling to their lover, which might cause tension and push their partner away.

Additionally, a person who is afraid of abandonment, for example, may continually check in with their spouse, become upset if their partner does not reply soon enough, or struggle with separation or long-distance relationships.


A person’s self-esteem may be affected by their fear of abandonment since they may feel undeserving of love and care. Moreover, they might have an excessive amount of self-criticism, which could lead to self-destructive actions. For example, a person who fears abandonment could find it difficult to take praises, think they are unlovable or imperfect, or utilize unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse or self-harm.

Read Blog: 12 Signs of high self-esteem: Easy tips to develop it

Mental health:

Anxiety, sadness, and personality problems are frequently linked to other mental health issues like abandonment fear.

For example, A person who has a fear of abandonment could suffer from panic attacks, social isolation, or suicidal thoughts as a result of their illness.

Work and productivity:

A person’s ability to work and be productive is also affected by their fear of abandonment. An individual may find it difficult to focus, remain motivated, or maintain good working relationships.

For example, a person who fears abandonment can shy away from team-based initiatives. They may find it difficult to take criticism from coworkers, or have trouble dealing with authoritative individuals.


Samantha is a 27-year-old lady who struggled with abandonment anxiety from a long time. She struggled to trust others and build strong relationships, and she frequently felt uneasy and insecure in social circumstances. Her symptoms have recently deteriorated. Moreover, she is experiencing increasingly severe sensations of anxiety and distress.


  • Samantha is continuously on the lookout for reassurance from her friends and romantic partners. She needs to hear that they love her and will not desert her. Moreover, she becomes anxious if she does not receive this confirmation.
  • She is scared of being rejected by others, and she frequently imagines worst-case scenarios in which her friends or romantic partners forsake her. Additionally, she struggles to control these thoughts and frequently lets fear and anxiety dominate her.
  • Samantha has a hard time trusting other people. She is constantly on the lookout for clues that someone might be preparing to leave her. Even when slights or rejections are not intended, she is quick to notice them.
  • Samantha frequently goes out of her way to please others, even if doing so means putting her own needs and goals last. She worries that people will leave her if she can’t make them happy.
  • Samantha finds it difficult to establish close bonds with others. She frequently maintains them at a distance in order to prevent the chance of being left behind. She is worried of getting too close to someone and then being rejected or left behind.

How can you address fear of abandonment?

There are numerous methods and tactics for dealing with abandonment anxiety.

1. Cognitive-behavioral therapy:

CBT focuses on modifying negative beliefs and actions. CBT can help with abandonment anxiety by recognizing and modifying negative thought patterns and actions.

Read Blog: What is CBT- An Introduction to a Revolutionary Therapy with A Case Example

2. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT):

DBT is frequently used to treat borderline personality disorder. DBT can help people learn how to regulate their emotions and improve their interpersonal interactions.

Read Blog: Application and purpose of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) in counseling

3. Group therapy:

Group therapy is beneficial for people who are afraid of being abandoned. It gives them the chance to interact with others who might be going through similar things. Individuals can practice new skills and coping mechanisms in a safe atmosphere during group therapy.

4. Mindfulness-based interventions:

Practices that promote emotional regulation, such as yoga or meditation. Those who practice mindfulness are better able to control their fear of abandonment because they are more conscious of their thoughts and feelings.

5. Support groups:

Support groups can give people who fear desertion a secure and encouraging setting in which to connect with others who might be going through comparable circumstances.

6. Medicine:

Medication may be suggested in some situations to treat underlying disorders which may be causing the fear of abandonment. In order to decide whether a drug is necessary and to keep an eye out for any potential side effects, it’s crucial to see a healthcare professional.

3 evidence-based self-help techniques to overcome the fear of abandonment

Here are three evidence-based self-help approaches for overcoming abandonment anxiety:

1. Practice Self-compassion

Self-compassion is the practice of treating oneself with care and understanding, especially in times of suffering or difficulty. According to research, self-compassion can be an effective method to minimize feelings of abandonment and other unpleasant emotions (Neff & Vonk, 2009).

You might try the following steps to practice self-compassion:

  • Be kind with yourself.
  • Understand that everyone struggles and feels negative feelings.
  • Mindfulness is practiced by observing and accepting your thoughts and feelings without judgement.
  • Positive affirmations should be used to replace negative self-talk.

For example, if you find yourself thinking, “I’m unlovable,” try reframing it to, “I, like everyone else, am deserving of love and support.”

Read Blog: How to develop self compassion?

2. Create a social network of support

Creating a social network of support can help to lessen the fear of abandonment. According to research, having a strong social support system can enhance mental health outcomes and lessen feelings of isolation and loneliness (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010).

  • You can try the following actions to create a network of supporters:
  • Find the encouraging and compassionate persons in your life.
  • Make an effort to connect with these people and spend time with them frequently.
  • Join a club or social group that shares your interests.
  • Join a support group for those who are dealing with the same fear of desertion.

Read Blog: How to build social connections

3. Challenging negative thought patterns

Fear of abandonment can be exacerbated by negative thought patterns like catastrophizing or overgeneralizing. According to research, cognitive restructuring can be a useful strategy for lowering feelings of abandonment fear and other unfavorable emotions (Carr, 2011).

You can take the following actions to combat negative thought patterns:

  • Recognize the limiting beliefs that fuel your fear of abandonment.
  • Asking yourself whether they are grounded in reality and supported by evidence will help you challenge these thoughts.
  • Reframe negative ideas and swap them out with more upbeat, realistic ones.

For example, if you catch yourself worrying and catastrophizing, “If my partner doesn’t text me back right away, they must not love me,” you might want to challenge this idea by asking, “Is it reasonable to assume that my partner’s lack of response indicates they don’t love me? Is it feasible that they are merely preoccupied or disengaged?

Read Blog: Overcoming Negative Thoughts: Proven Strategies to Decrease Their Power


For many people, the fear of abandonment can be a tough and overwhelming experience. Yet, it’s crucial to realize that with the correct tools and methods, this fear can be handled and overcome. Moreover, you may break away from the cycle of uncertainty and begin to live a more confident and happy life by addressing the underlying causes of your anxiety and learning how to develop more rewarding relationships.

Therefore, don’t let your fear of abandonment keep you from moving on. Today, take the first step towards healing and progress by beginning to build the strong, healthy relationships you deserve. Recognize that you are deserving of love and belonging, and that you have the ability to design a life that is rich and fulfilling in every way.

Read Book: The Abandonment Recovery Workbook: Guidance Through the Five Stages of Healing from Abandonment, Heartbreak, and Loss

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