I had been thinking about this whole idea of dating and being in a relationship before marriage. It has been months and I went through serious brain-hurting thinking. I critically thought about it from as many directions as I could. I had been thinking about this topic for a few months and it kind of became a habit to keep doing so. Now that I have extracted some insights & understanding of this topic I wanted to stop thinking but I couldn’t. So mindfulness and prompting myself to not think whenever I caught myself thinking was the way I stopped the cyclical thinking. Today I am recording my understandings and insights so that I am totally free of this contemplation. None of the insights and understanding I share is absolute truth or the best perspective. I have come to my own truth that has helped me live a more confident life and remain sane. Therefore I am not concerned with what someone has to say about these insights as they are for my own good. Someone may have a better understanding or a different perspective and I’d be open to hearing them but for now, this is what I believe in.
People who engage in relationships, dating or sex before marriage are less logical & intelligent compared to those who do not engage till marriage. There are a few reasons & observations that led me to this:
- I observed they face more complications in life at a young age. All this was unnecessary. Which has led many to depression, other mental health issues and even suicide.
- These complications rise when a person engages in relationships and he/she unavoidably has to play “games” with the opposite sex. These games include bipolar thinking & behaving because in a sense you have to persuade the other person in liking you. This messes with the mind. Doubts start to arise. Ego/self-esteem is hurt. Unnecessarily giving importance to insignificant and petty things. This leads to continuous thinking about the other person, causing attachment with someone who might disappear in the next moment. And all this game of hot & cold is played with someone who gives no guarantee of commitment. You look for information online to understand the other person, which only makes things twisted and manipulative. If the other person was committed these games have no necessity.
- During the entire process, you have to come up with clever tricks to keep the other person interested. This is too much of mental and emotional investment for something with very little chance of being with you forever.
- It is ridiculous and absolutely stupid to be playing these games just because you can’t postpone the need of pleasure & excitement. Because the cost of this is total mental devastation. If not that, then severe distraction from more important things such as career & personal growth. Any person with some common sense would not engage in this bargain. Sacrificing peace, focus, confidence, and happiness for cheap thrills as it isn’t worth.
- This also leads to you having multiple relationships. Because now you take it seriously on your ego when someone rejects you. You make it a game to increase your numbers. Who are you fooling? An intelligent person realizes the superficiality of this game after the very first round and has humility & confidence to stop oneself from spiraling downwards.
- You might seek genuine care and love from someone but guess what, the chances are very low. You will get genuine care and love from the person who is there for that purpose only – spouse. You might find the perfect person and end up marrying and that’s great. But for the majority that doesn’t happen. How foolish is it to seek love from someone who is just there, casually?. Then you end up getting hurt and unfulfilled. Developing grudges and so much emotional baggage at the cost of achieving greatness in life. It’s total stupidity. This is not a game of trial and error, that by engaging in a few relationships you will find the one. No, it doesn’t work like that. Instead, you find one and make perfect with him/her. No need for all the above drama and trauma.
- Then naturally you might develop a pattern of failed relationships
- And this whole idea of casual relationships is something I couldn’t wrap my head around. It’s nonsensical. The more I try to understand it the more stupidity I see in it. It rots my brain.
- End result? unfulfilled marriage because of past comparison. Now you are in your late 20s and you have to get married and settle. But your messed up psychological foundation wont let you live a fulfilled life. You would constantly compare your spouse with your previous partners. Always dissatisfied. All your excitement and curiosity will be dead by then. The more partners you had the more you’ll compare and lesser will be your satisfaction. There will be no freshness. And then you have no option but to live a life without fragrance.
- If you think about such people you will see how irrational their behaviour is. They lack judgement, clear thinking and emotional intelligence.
- Had you controlled your sex drives and ego for a while and saved it for marriage you would have been better off. By this time you would have a decent career, lesser scares on emotional mind, fulfillment in both bachelor & married life.
- Save your clever tricks, creativity, romantic & sexual feelings for someone who will be committed to you. That makes sense. That is worth it. That is the right investment.
- There are only a few petty things that you might think you “gain” in casual relationships before marriage. But you get those things and much more in marriage.
- Don’t feel left out because these behaviours are of stupid people. Those who haven’t put any thought in this area, who have never calculated the pros and cons, and the psychological impact of this. Be smart. Think about it.
These were my personal reflections as of 01.12.2022
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